You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
