u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
