you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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