the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
