I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
babies were throwing up all over the place
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
