Can i not drive my cunt home
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
