And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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