If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
