im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
