I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
