I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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