We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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