How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
