I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we're making bets on your personal life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
