I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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