so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
