NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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