if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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