Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
