if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
