omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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