Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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