I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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