I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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