Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
