you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
