I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
