Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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