I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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