my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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