you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
