Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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