Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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