if only i could text you this smell
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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