My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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