would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
