she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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