Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
