Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
