I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
