i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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