i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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