I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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