My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
