Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
