sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
