I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
