Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
