Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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