sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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