too bad you live with your parents still
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
