I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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