I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
